THE SAMSON SYNDROME

Some men fear being made into a wimp by the woman they love. It's called the Samson syndrome.

Some men are attracted to women they know will abuse them. That's the Samson syndrome too.

Some men ask for abuse and then react to it by being abusive themselves. Again, that's the Samson syndrome.

The syndrome can cause serious problems for a woman by destroying relationships and even lead to violence. But if a woman discovers her man suffers from the Samson syndrome, she can take simple steps to make life easier.

The Samson syndrome is named for the biblical strongman who grew weak when his hair was cut by his lover, Delilah. It refers to a man who has a self-destructive compulsion to form a relationship with a woman he knows will betray him--at least in his eyes. "It's a very real fear--and it's on the increase because of women's lib," says Dr. Elayne Kahn, a New York psychologist. "Women are more assertive these days", Dr. Kahn adds, "but some men just can't handle that. They would like to stay traditional and dominant, but they can't."

The Samson syndrome male can't cope with the modern woman who justly demands and is entitled to her freedom, dignity, and equality. He feels she will take away that which gives him his identity--his traditional male role--which distinguishes him from her. Thus, he feels she will bring him down--make him into a wimp. He feels betrayed and is hostile to her. In classical Freudian terms these men fear the "castrating female". Such a man is actually quite weak and insecure in his own identity. By contrast, the truly strong man has no problems with a strong woman. In fact, he insists that she is equal to him as no other form of relationship is truly healthy.

As a consequence of suffering from the Samson syndrome, a man will strive to revenge his alleged betrayal. He overcompensates by acting in an often super macho way in an attempt to reassert his authority. Often he will be mildly to severely aggressive and can easily become a bully. For example, according to Dr. Kahn, he will refuse to help in household tasks, leave his laundry and other messes around the house for others to clean up, insist on making all the family decisions, or even become verbally and physically abusive "if he doesn't get his way". Dr. Kahn says one of her patients is always doing things to make sure he keeps power over his wife. "He insists on keeping the checking account in his name, rather than having a joint account. And even though his wife works, she must ask him for money." Just as the biblical Samson was betrayed by Delilah and destroyed himself, a man suffering from the Samson syndrome will often doom the relationship. But when it ends, he will seek out another Delilah who will treat him in the same way--thus again setting off the cycle of destructive behaviours which characterizes the syndrome.

The Samson syndrome (first known as Samson's complex) was first described by Israeli psychiatrist Dr. Ilan Kutz of the Meir General Hospital in Hod Hasharon. In a now classic 1989 article in the British Journal of Medical Psychology, Dr. Kutz writes that the Samson syndrome patients "are afflicted with the same pathology: the compulsion to re-enact unwanted or unhealthy behaviour without the capacity to learn from the mistake, pain or damage. Each of them compulsively and repeatedly forms intense attachments to women, who are either inherently likely, or coached by their Samson, to betray his trust in their apparent love. This betrayal is followed by intense hurt and a destructive eruption of rage directed against `the world', but ultimately turned against the suffering self."

Dr. Kutz argues that the Samson syndrome afflicts men who are lacking in trust--of people generally and of women in particular.

He writes of one of his patients, that after many disastrous relationships, a middle-aged, self-made, successful businessman, entered therapy because of depressive moods, uncontrollable outbursts of rage, and the feeling that he was "falling apart". All of these he attributed to his troubled "unhealthy relationships" with women who betrayed his love. Dr. Kutz notes that this patient "was consistently attracted to women with `unreliable, teasing dispositions'" and that he moved through his life with "an invisible, but palpable, envelope of uncertainty about the trustworthiness of others, particularly women".

What should a woman do if she's in a relationship with a Samson?

According to Dr. Kahn, "a Samson is pretty fragile. You may have to bend more than you ordinarily would". But as long as he's "mostly under control":

1. Make him think that the things you want are his idea. Instead of telling him to paint the front door, say: "It's going to be sunny this weekend. Do you think it would be a good time to paint the door, as you've been saying you want to do?"

2. Let him know that you need him. When you call him at the office, say something like, "I'm really looking forward to your coming home tonight."

3. When you let him have his way, let him know you're doing it for him. For example, if he wants you to watch his footy with him, say, "I don't like football, but I like spending time with you, so I'll sit and do my sewing while you watch the game." This shows him women can be flexible.

4. Accept some of his refusals without being difficult. Even if you want something done and he won't do it, don't always argue.

WOMEN, MEN & ELEPHANTS

Women and elephants never forget an injury---Saki, Reginald, 1904

The male ego with few exceptions is elephantine to start with---Bette Davis, Women are like elephants. They are interesting to look at, but I wouldn't like to own one---W.C. Fields

He thought he saw an Elephant,
That practised on a fife:
He looked again, and found it was
A letter from his wife.
"At length I realise," he said,
"The bitterness of life!"
    ---Lewis Carroll

When elephants fight, it is the grass that suffers---African proverb

Complete News Archives: 2002 May: Phantom Limb Syndrome April: Can we talk to the unborn? March: Movie Revelations February: Navel Secrets January: If Whales Can Do It? 2001 December: Body Odysseys of the Famous November: The Psychology of Smell October: Light, Colour and Music Therapy September: Three Brain Mysteries August: Baldness July News June: Laughing