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| Illustrations by Rod Clement |
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Is it more natural for children to be cruel or kind? Does cruelty or kindness come more naturally to children? Child development researchers are divided on this. Certainly, children can be cruel, especially to other children. Almost every child with a visible disability or defect has an unpleasant story to tell about being stared at, laughed at, or teased, taunted, shunned, or excluded by peers. But the question remains, is such cruelty "natural"?
According to U.S. expert, Dr. Leslie Campis, "empathy requires an ability to take another person's point of view, something that is developmentally hard for most children, impossible for preschoolers". Dr. Campis is a noted authority on child clinical psychology at the Children's Hospital in Boston. However, Dr. Campis is quick to add, as unkind as children can be, their intent is not necessarily “to hurt”. For example, the three-year-old who cries out in the supermarket, "That boy has only one leg!" is really expressing a high degree of curiosity, not cruelty, about someone who appears to be different. Noticing this difference is developmentally appropriate. Screaming about it in the check-out line is hurtful. But a three-year-old doesn't know that until someone tells them. "Rather than scold or punish your child, talk to them matter-of-factly", Dr. Campis advises.
Another U.S. expert, the late Dr. Irving Philips, claimed that as the three-year-old becomes somewhat older, what was curiosity switches to concern. He observed, "as they develop a sense of autonomy about their own bodies, they become apprehensive about someone who is not like them". Dr. Philips was a clinical child psychologist at the University of California at San Francisco. Furthermore, he maintained that "children tend to equate being different with being bad. They are xenophobic and frightened of kids who are different from them. Much of their fear comes from thinking they will catch what the other child has or that something bad they did will cause them to get it too."
According to Dr. Alfred Healy, former head of the Department of Pediatrics at the University Hospital of the University of Iowa in Des Moines, "this is a developmental phenomenon. Intellectually, they can accept that a germ or a virus caused this to happen, not something Bobby did. They'll tell you they know that. But emotionally, they don't have that level of understanding until they are eleven or twelve. Preschoolers will do little more than notice and comment on a peer's difference. As for its effect on interaction, if anything, they will assist a peer with a disability."
Nevertheless, this often changes after children go to school. According to Dr. Campis, in the competition of the classroom and school yard "by six, everyone teases. They take pleasure in it. It's a source of fun to be cruel." Dr. Campis adds, "the taunts of a six-year-old may not be purposeful, but from the very first one, adults must be clear that unkind teasing will not be tolerated. Both 'teaser' and 'teasee' must realize this. And teachers need to address it. They have a responsibility to create an environment that values human kindness."
By the age of eight or so, children know that teasing is cruel. But children at this age also often want more than anything else to be accepted as a member of the group. According to Dr. Campis, "that poses a moral dilemma for many children. If the group is into cruel teasing, it is unlikely that a child is strong enough to stick up for the victim. Going against the group puts you at risk for being unpopular yourself. It's hard for even the strongest, most mature child to buck the group's wishes without a parental nudge."
Whilst parents cannot force a child to act with kindness at all times, parents can at least continually point out right from wrong. Dr. Campis suggests that a parent tell the child that "'even if you didn't say or do anything, you were part of the group that did. Next time, walk away'." Moreover, Dr. Campis recommends that when a parent learns that their child has been cruel to another on purpose, "there should be consequences." However, Dr. Campis does not advocate punishment, but rather activities aimed at helping a child learn. For example, if a child has been cruel, a note of apology to the other child should be required "telling them 'I am sorry your feelings were hurt'."
What Dr. Campis calls "the mob mentality" begins in the third or fourth class years of school and "becomes rampant in the pre-teen years, when teasing is replaced by ostracism. It is decidedly purposeful." Dr. Campis adds that "the twelve- and thirteen-year-old is very focused on fitting in and on physical appearance. Friendships are often terminated because group pressure is so great. Unpopularity is contagious." Thus, Dr. Campis advises that parents of a child of this age who has been exclusionary "confront the issue head-on. A parent should tell the child, for example, 'I think you are not including ______ any more because you are afraid your other friends will like you less. Does ______ suddenly feel like a burden to you? How do you think ______ feels?' And if the child gives the matter some thought and still excludes the other child, then the parent has every right to express disappointment in their child's decision."
Drs. Campis, Philips, Healy, and the conventional wisdom of other professionals agree that there is one factor above all others that influences children of all ages. This is the behavior that we as parents model ourselves. As Dr. Philips observes, "If we practice kindness rather than cruelty, our children will learn kindness---and vice versa. Every parent must start with themselves."
Although we cannot answer whether it is more natural for children to be cruel or kind, it is their behaviors more than their natures that really counts.
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