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BUILDING SELF-ESTEEM IN HARD TIMES
By Dr. Stephen JuanAs children or adults, we all need a healthy sense of self-esteem. But in these times of woe, many of us find our self-esteem continually battered as never before by unemployment, fear, loss of hope, and a seemingly endless variety of anxieties. It is as if we were in a boxing match with punches coming from everywhere.
Research says that if you have a self-esteem problem, you are definitely not alone. In fact, as psychiatrist James F. Masterson writes "everyone has some difficulties associated with a lack of self-esteem--feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, and depression and behaviour that reflects his/her insufficient self-confidence." Dr. Masterson is a pioneer in the diagnosis and treatment of personality disorders. His most recent book is THE PERSONALITY DISORDERS THROUGH THE LENS OF ATTACHMENT THEORY AND THE NEUROBIOLIC DEVELOPMENT OF THE SELF (Phoenix, Zeig, Tucker, and Theisen, 2006). His most famous book is arguably THE SEARCH FOR THE REAL SELF: UNMASKING THE PERSONALITY DISORDERS OF OUR AGE (New York, The Free Press, 1990).
In THE SEARCH FOR THE REAL SELF Dr. Masterson writes that no matter how low your sense of self-esteem, there are ways of building it up.
Most of us can learn to create more self-esteem once the problem is recognized. Our self-esteem takes shape in early childhood. As an infant, we adopt patterns of thinking and feeling that enable us to cope with reality. That helps us get attention, affection, and satisfaction from those around us. These patterns continue throughout life, sometimes in modified form. We eventually evolve our personal formula for coping with the world.
We develop self-esteem from feedback we receive about ourselves from the surrounding world. If we have negative people around us, particularly hostile, belittling, and criticising parents, we usually develop an impaired sense of self-esteem. Sometimes this lasts a lifetime.
Like the steel jaw of a boxer, a person with healthy self-esteem can withstand any psychological hard shot to the chin. They are able to accept criticism, rejection, abuse, and overcome the occasional bruises of life. They learn from mistakes, move to the next challenge, and see themselves and life itself in a balanced manner---not all good and not all bad--but somewhere in-between. By contrast, a person with an unhealthy self-esteem suffers from a psychological glass jaw. They are unable to withstand even a jab to the chin let alone the body blows of life--as a weak boxer falls in the first round.
Dr. Masterson says that the real difference between the person with healthy versus unhealthy self-esteem is that the healthy one “doesn't lose sight of the things that he is good at. He uses his confidence to help repair the temporary gap in his self-esteem [caused by life's setbacks].”
According to Dr. Masterson, those who lack self-esteem usually have a distorted view of themselves and an equally distorted view of the people around them. In severe cases, this can cause serious problems which can take at least three forms.
1) A deficient sense of self. People with this form have trouble motivating themselves. They have problems with identifying what they want to do and then making it happen in reality. “This is because of their persistent feelings of inadequacy.”
2) An inflated sense of self. People in this category consider themselves important, worthy, and need constant recognition of this fact from the people around them. They meet any criticism with aggression and sometimes full-blown rage. “This aggressive stance acts as a protective shell against rejection--a way of protecting their impaired sense of self.”
3) A schizoid sense of self. People with a schizoid sense of self suffer from such damaged self-esteem that they cut themselves off from others. They find it next to impossible to relate to others because their self-esteem is too vulnerable. Instead, “they adopt an intellectualized, detached way of life, devoid of relationships.”In Dr. Masterson's view, three factors are crucial to the improvement of self-esteem.
1) Creativity. This is not the creativity we might normally equate with that of an artist, but the ability to deal with tasks in an innovative, flexible manner--to find new solutions for old problems. “This form of creativity allows you to deal with a crisis and then move on, so you can continue working toward your personal goals.”
2) Autonomy. This means having an image of yourself and an understanding of how you behave and how other people see you. “This enables you to do what feels right for you, even when others disagree with your decision.”
3) Intimacy. This is the ability to see who you are in reality---your “real self”---to like your real self and to share it with others in close interpersonal relationships. “A healthy relationship expands the individual sense of self, and gives a feeling of wholeness . . . the more real relationships you have, the more secure you will feel in your sense of who you are, and the stronger your sense of self will become.”In these psychologically brutal times, one can maintain and even increase their self-esteem. One must always remember to stay in touch with the real self when faced with challenging situations--as difficult as they might seem. This involves accepting yourself for what you are. And it means taking comfort in your abilities while accepting (and working to overcome) your limitations.
It also means fighting on until the last round. One punch can turn a match around. And as a wise champion once said, “I'm blind but I'm not beat.”
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