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WHAT LIES ABOUT
By Dr. Stephen JuanThe Origins Of Lying
We humans tell different types of lies at different ages and for different reasons. We also give ourselves away when we lie---but the signs are often subtle.
When do we start to lie?
Research shows that we tell five different types of lies depending upon how old we are.
Before age six, we tell “Big Wish” lies, "Sorting Out" lies, “Self-Protection” lies, and “Attention” lies. These are not true, adult-type lies because they are not intentional, mischievous, or manipulative. For example, in a “Big Wish” lie, the child wants something so badly that they actually succeed in convincing themselves that it is true. Hence, “I wish I could fly a helicopter” easily becomes “My daddy's buying me my very own helicopter.” In the child’s mind, wishing it so makes it so.
Genuine adult-type lying starts at about age seven. It’s then that we start to tell “Mischievious”. These are attempts to "put one over" on someone and “get away” with it. It is “lie for gain”. It is intentional, manipulative, and exclusive of those “white lies” that, for instance, we might tell to protect the feelings of others, not ourselves.
According to noted U.S. child psychiatrist Dr. Foster Cline of Golden, Colorado and co-author of PARENTING WITH LOVE AND LOGIC (Nav Press, 2006) “children lie when they think their parents can't handle the truth.” They also lie out of normal youthful rebellion, to express their budding sense of independence, or “just to test the norms”.
Interestingly, Dr. Cline notes that the habit of lying is something we probably teach our children ourselves. He observes that, “as much as we want our children to grow up with a deep respect for truth, it's a rare parent who hasn't done a little of his own ‘harmless’ fibbing.” Indeed, he adds, we tell “white lies” in front of children, sometimes with them, so of course “they copy from us”.
How Can You Tell When Someone Is Lying To You?Three noted researchers on the subject suggest how liars give themselves away.
Dr. Paul Ekman, professor of psychology at the University of California at San Francisco and the most noted authority on lying in the world, is the author of TELLING LIES (Norton, 1998). Dr. Ekman argues that “there is no universal sign of deceit---no gesture, facial expression or muscle movement---that in and of itself means the person is lying. People would lie less if they thought there was such a sign.” Nevertheless, Dr. Ekman adds, there are “reliable clues” that someone is lying:
1) THE LIAR WILL USE PAUSES IN SPEAKING THAT ARE TOO LONG.
2) MANY NON-WORDS WILL BE USED SUCH AS “AH”, “ER”,
AND“UHH”.
3) PARTIAL WORDS ARE USED SUCH AS “I RE-REALLY WORKED ON THAT A-ALL DAY”.
4) THERE IS A HIGHER THAN NORMAL PITCH IN THE VOICE.
5) THERE IS LESS USE OF ILLUSTRATIVE GESTURES THAN NORMAL. “If a person normally uses many gestures while speaking but now uses few of them, look out!”
6) THERE ARE MANY “DISGUISED” GESTURES. “When a person should be expressing one emotion due to what they’re saying and expresses another, again look out! It’s a sign of insincerity.”Dr. Jo-Ellan Dimitrius is a Los Angeles psychologist, authority on understanding the behaviour of juries, and author of READING PEOPLE: HOW TO UNDERSTAND PEOPLE AND PREDICT THEIR BEHAVIOR ANYTIME, ANYPLACE (Random House, 1998). Dr. Dimitrius claims that the signs of dishonesty in others include:
1) PATTERNS OF BEHAVIOUR THAT DON’T MATCH YOUR FIRST IMPRESSION. “Key ways to differentiate between the truth and lies is to look for inconsistencies in a person’s behaviour. Think about how the person you’re listening to has behaved throughout your conversation. Any abrupt changes in mood or posture can signify dishonesty.”
2) ACTION IS BEING AVOIDED. “Sometimes what a
person doesn’t do speaks louder than what they actually do. Dishonest people avoid taking action to prevent the truth from emerging.”
3) VOCAL CHARACTERISTICS THAT DEVIATE FROM A SPEAKER’S USUAL MANNER. “Change in intonation, emphasis, and sentence structure can signify dishonesty. Answering questions with questions, such as `Why do you ask?’ can also indicate dishonesty. This strategy is used as a stalling device or to gain information so the liar can have more time to think-up or tailor an answer.”
4) PHYSICAL BEHAVIOUR THAT SEEMS INAPPROPRIATE. “This can include everything from leaning into another’s personal space... losing eye contact... licking one’s lips, or nervous fidgeting---all can indicate lying.”Psychiatrist Dr. Charles Ford is a professor in the School of Medicine at the University of Alabama and author of LIES! LIES! LIES!!! THE PSYCHOLOGY OF DECEIT (American Psychiatric Press, 1997). Dr. Ford claims that to tell if someone is lying:
1) LISTEN FOR A LACK OF VERBAL AND PHYSICAL
SPONTANIETY. “It pays to watch for what I call “emblems of emotion”. These are largely unconscious body movements, such as shrugs, grimaces, nods, or frowns that reveal what a person really thinks. When an “emblem” conflicts with what’s being said, it suggests that the speaker may not be saying what they really believe.”
2) WHEN LYING, PEOPLE ARE MORE LIKELY TO SHOW
AN INCREASED NUMBER OF “ADAPTERS”---NERVOUS MOVEMENTS SUCH AS SCRATCHING OR PLAYING WITH THEIR HAIR. “They will also overact in an effort to cover up their nervousness.”
3) LISTEN FOR SIGNS OF DECEITFUL LANGUAGE,
INCLUDING AN ENDLESS PATTER OF IRRELEVANT INFORMATION. “People who are lying tend to create a lot of noise, talking more than they should in the hope that any lies will be lost.”Although it may be easy to tell a lie, it may be harder to tell a liar.
The Ten Lies That Men Tell And The Ten Lies That Women Tell
Men and women keep things from each other. But what they keep differs.Men
Dr. Gary Emery, a Los Angeles psychologist and author of 12 books including GETTING UNDEPRESSED: HOW A WOMAN CAN CHANGE HER LIFE THROUGH COGNITIVE THERAPY (Touchstone, 1988) claims that, typically, men tell the following 10 lies:1) A man will not admit to a woman that they do mind that their mate has a romantic past. According to Dr. Emery, “More often than not it bothers them a great deal. Men are more insecure than they ever admit. A man does not enjoy the thought that the woman in his life was once possessed by another man. He harbours a nagging fear that, by comparison, he may not quite measure up.”
2) A man will not admit to a woman his true height or penis size. If a man is just a little short of average on either of these, “he will stretch it a bit (the truth, that is).” Dr. Emery adds, “Men are not as good at maths as they think. They often confuse six inches with nine.”
3) A man will not admit to a woman when he is lost. “A man usually hates to ask anyone for directions if there’s a woman sitting next to him in the car. It’s like admitting he’s incompetent.”
4) A man will not admit to not knowing why the car won’t start. “To admit that they haven’t the foggiest idea is another admission of being unmanly or inadequate. So when a woman asks if she should call for help, the man says he’ll handle it and pulls out the jumper cables. When the mechanic arrives and declares that the engine was flooded, the man claims that he knew it all along and was about to check for flooding next.”
5) A man will not admit to his true sports ability. “Admitting to sitting on the bench or not having played at all is to admit being incapable.”
6) A man will never admit being afraid. “Being afraid is a social stigma for males. So men have nurtured a strong outward image that they maintain at almost any cost, especially around women.”
7) A man will not admit to being anxious over calling a woman for a date. “Men just can’t bring themselves to admit that a woman has any power over their feelings.”
8) A man will not admit to feeling pain. “When a man drops a piano on his bare toe, he’ll pretend he didn’t feel a thing.”
9) A man will not admit to lying to women. “A man may spend three hours cleaning his apartment before his date arrives, strategically leaving things like a sport’s trophy on display. When his date comes over and asks if he worked hard at making the place so presentable, he will say it always looks that way while directing her attention to the trophy.”
10) A man will not admit to how closely he is attached to his mother.Women
Dr. Matti Gershenfeld is a psychologist in Elkins Park, Pennsylvania and the author or co-author of 6 books including HOW TO FIND LOVE, SEX, AND INTIMACY AFTER FIFTY: A WOMAN’S GUIDE (Fawcett Books, 1991). Dr. Gershenfeld says that “a woman would almost die rather than admit certain things to a man---things they prefer keeping secret”. These form the basis of the 10 lies women are most likely to tell:1) A woman will not admit to her true weight. According to Dr. Gershenfeld, I know women who will never get on a scale when their mate is around, or who lie about their weight. Why? Women are fearful of being less desirable as they grow older.”
2) A woman will not admit to her true age. “I’ve known long-married men who don’t know their wives’ true age.”
3) A woman will not admit her true measurements. “Most women keep their vital statistics private.”
4) A woman will not admit her true financial situation. “Most women don’t want their men to find out how much they have stashed away. Women never completely trust men. They rely on secret savings to ensure a measure of control over their lives.”
5) A woman will not admit her true personal spending on herself. “Most women never let men know how much they spend at the hairdresser, on cosmetics, clothes, or fashion accessories.”
6) A woman will not admit her fear of abandonment. “It’s a woman’s universal fear—--and one she almost never reveals. No matter how beautiful, good, or accomplished she is, a woman is never completely sure of her hold on her man. At every age, a woman fears abandonment and worries that the man in her life will be seduced by another woman.”
7) A woman will not admit her sexual fantasies. “Women don’t want men to know if they fantasize about other men while making love with their mates. They keep it secret for fear of offending their partners. Also, they know that if they admit to having fantasies, it gives men a green light to have them too.
8) A woman will not admit that she’s smarter than the man in her life. “Most women work to keep their man thinking that he’s smarter (the fragile male ego), when of course it’s the reverse. Most women are attracted to a man less intelligent than themselves. A more intelligent man is aware of their tricks---and harder to control. A truly intelligent man is frightening to most women.”
9) A woman will not admit that she controls her man and knows exactly how to get her way with him. “In Chaucer’s THE CANTERBURY TALES, the Wife of Bath was right: What does a woman want most from a man? Sovereignty.”
10) A woman will not admit to how closely she is attached to her mother.
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